


C-Crackwatch

by Sabrael



Category: overwatch
Genre: Cussing, Fluff, Send prompts, Will finish whenever, based on real life events sometimes, comment if u want a hilarious skit to happen, cracks, idk if its funny, im back so yeah, no angst (sorry fans), purely comedy, ships, will update whenever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-11 06:19:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15966467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sabrael/pseuds/Sabrael
Summary: Join in the everyday lives of Overwatch and Talon as they live normal lives and do completely normal things...right?





	1. D-Diss Track pt. 1

Jesse smirks, “Nah, you ain’t gonna do it.”

D.Va pops her pink bubble gum, and chews it hastily in annoyance. “Oh yeah?”

Jesse places his hand on his hips, before taking a step back to look and D.Va fully. He has a dangerous look in his eyes, with a mischievous glint, and wears a shit-eating grin.

Something was about to go down.

D.Va crosses her arms across her chest, and shifts her weight to one side of her foot. She narrows her eyes dangerously, before commenting,

“Noob, what are you thinking of doing.”

Jesse shrugs innocently, “Only a’ rap battle, and I was gonna bet that pretty little face of yours that you was goin’ lose.”, he finishes off with a grin.

D.Va scoffs, “We’ll see about that you skrub, consider the challenge accepted.”

Jesse spits in his hand, before reaching out to D.Va, who looks on with mild disgust before repeating the same action.

“Don’t be surprised when I beat that competitive spirit out of ya, darlin’”

“Don’t jinx yourself, amateur.”

Jesse walks off, “Assemble ya team, then meet me back here in 3 hours.” and he waves his hand.

D.Va smirks,

I hope that cocky gun holder doesn’t think this will be easy, lol

8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8

Lucio is spinning the disks up in the drop-off lounge, where the battle was happening. It was Team Dead-Eye vs Team M.E.K.A., and already people were placing bets. The pool estimate is behind Lucio, and it’s around 5k for Jesse, and 2k for D.Va.

Lucio is blasting music as everyone waits for the countdown to begin the battle, the respective teams each wear their team colors and name.

Lucio taps the microphone, to gather everyone’s attention.

“All right now, listen up! Today we gots the most epic rap battle of Overwatch HISTORYYYYYYY”, the crowd cheered as he waited for them to quiet down before continuing on, “We got Team Dead-Eye, who has Jesse McCree, Hanzo Shimada, and Fareeha Amari, VERSUS, Team M.E.K.A. with Hana, aka D.Va, Lena aka Tracer, and Genji Shimada”

The crowd “ooo”d before letting Lucio finish,

“So we have just a couple set of rules. Keep the touching to a minimum, and if it’s anything offensive, be a big boy/girl and get over it because in the end it’s all good, alright?”

Everyone nodded their confirmation.

“Alllllllright let’s get this battle started!”

Jesse steps up and gets ready. Immediately seeing him, D.Va steps up as well, getting ready to start the first round of disses. 

“It ain’t too late to quit now”

“I’d rather lick Junkrat’s metal leg before quitting against you”

Jesse snickers and nods his respect, “Alright now, no turnin’ back”

D.Va just smirks, “Hey Dj?”

Lucio perks up, “That’s me!”

She narrows her eyes as she looks ar Jesse.

“Drop the beat”

The crowd cheers, and round one is a go.

“Yeah, uh huh, okay, let’s go,

My name is Hana, and I can finesse your banana

But not Jesse’s, his probably stinks I betcha

His cowboy charm is such a fucking fraud

I mean, with the whole act like serious, take a hint, my god!

It’s stupid how when he forgets to shave his beard, he falls into a rage

It takes more than a shaven to hide your old ass age

While look at me, I am young, cute, sexy even maybe,

But then you see this dude, lookin’ like a can of rabies

Without his hat, his hair looks like the ass of a baboon

So take that you cocky bastard, and go play in the trash where you belong you damned coon.”

D.Va spins and puts up L sign with her hands before taking an exaggerated bow. The crowd cheers and laughs at the lines, approving of her rap, as she proceeds to take a selfie.

Jesse just shakes his head and took the mic. 

“Lemme show this kiddo how it’s done.”

Jesse taps his foot and clapped his hands, and the crowd soon follows creating a massive beat.

“Hana Song

Head shaped like ping pong

Sayin’ big words as of she knows where they came from

Stop the profanity, it’s really not nice

You’re asian right? So go home and eat your rice.

I don’t mind lil’ children, except those who try to act grown

19, “teen” at the end, so my evidence is shown

You ain’t ready for this work

You can’t try to take my diss

If I had more time, I coulda probs make ya piss.

So right back ya, you greasy pink worm.”

Jesse stands still for a second, before raising his arm to the side, only to dab at his awesomeness. The crowd goes wild as they watch Jesse perform and laugh along with him.

Lucio chuckles, “Well that’s definitely something to remember. So ladies and gents, who won?”

Lucio points to Jesse first, “Jesse?”

The crowd screams.

“Or...Hana?”

The crowd screams again, but it is significantly louder than the previous one. By then, it is clear who won this battle.

Lucio spreaded his arms out, “Well the votes are in, the winner is...Team M.E.K.A.!”

D.Va yelps and laughs while high-fiving her teammates. The teammates were there for support and plans, similar to a boxing match. Jesse sulks and heads over to his team, whom patted his back while the other had disappeared.

D.Va walked over there, all high and mighty after beating the cowboy. She taps his shoulder, and he scowls. Before grinning and laughing, as he congratulated her.

“Didn’t expect ya to be alright at it, I’ll take this loss today”

D.Va winked, “And everyday after too. I only play to win!”

Jesse chuckles, “Yeah yeah kiddo, but I ain’t having that”, he ended it mischievously.

“GG, play again? I’d hate to have you end the day with a losing streak, even if it’s unavoidable, lolz”

Jesse cracks his knuckles,“Is that so? Well fuck you too, and challenge accepted, partner.”


	2. S-She wants the Dew

Mercy woke up feeling warm and soft. She yawns and stretches her arms, before opening her eyes. The sun’s rays were gently gleaming onto her bed through the curtains, because her feel calmed and warm. 

She gets up and makes some coffee, as she got ready for school. She put on a robe though, and sat herself on the couch, to watch some TV.

She clicks the remote, and is flicking through channels, before reaching the news channel, only to jaw drop. Breaking News, a group of people have been speeding around, wrecking havoc everywhere.

So normally, news like this amused her, but this time it was different, since the “group of people” was her friends. Mercy zooms in on the screen, and looks closely at the vehicle, before realizing it was...D.Va’s M.E.K.A van? She gasped, and quickly got her clothes on, before calling D.Va.

Boop

Boop

Boop

*click* The other line picked up.

Immediately there was screaming, and series of crashes and clanks, before she heard a voice saying, “HEY NOOB, ANSWER THE PHONE, I CAN’T RIGHT NOW”

Mercy just stares at her phone, What the fuck?

Mercy takes a deep breath and breathes out. This oughta be good.

“So...mind telling me why you are the headings on the Numbani News?” she quires.

The person D.Va tossed her phone ended up being Tracer, as she replied, “Really?! Oh buggers, I didn’t even dress properly to be on TV!”

Mercy facepalmed, “That’s not the point, Lena, what the hell is going on over there?”

Lena nervously chuckled, “Weellllll luv, uh, Hana needed some more Mountain Dew, but everywhere was sold out so she started to get anxious, like bullocks she’s going mad!, and it’s just crazy out here luv”

Mercy sighs, her age really showing, as she says, “Oh my lord, you kids will be the death of me”. She grabs her things as she prepares to head out of her apartment. She calmly walks out her room, and leaves the front door of the complex, only to see the infamous van in front, waiting.

Mercy dropped her phone as she stares in shock, uhm what the hell?

D.Va rolls down her window, before sticking her greased up face outside, and yelling, “We don’t have all day! Get in Angela”

Mercy scoffs, “The heck? I will not associate with your acts of foolishness and get arrested, no thanks.”

D.Va sighs, “Welp, Plan B then.”

That earns the gamer a raised eyebrow, “Plan B?”

D.Va smirked, “We can’t have any witnesses, now can we?”

Mercy’s eyes widened as she suddenly is grabbed and dragged to the van. The person who grabbed her was Genji, since she felt metal in the torso area.

“Genji?!” she screeched.

He shrugged, “I was bored.”

As she was stuffed into the van, she saw familiar faces gathered around. Inside waiting for her was Tracer, Lucio, and Junkrat, who was building something relatively to a gun.

D.Va was in the front seat, while Jesse was in passenger as they immediately started the car. The car lurched at the unexpected acceleration, before blasting off down the road. The people inside swayed violently as they rode, Mercy still being in shock as they practically kidnapped her.

“You kidnapped me!”

Jesse smirk and blew out smoke from his cigar, “Damn right we did, like the little lady said, we leave no witnesses”

Mercy just stares dumbfoundedly as she slumps down. What appeared to have been a lovely day, suddenly took a drastic turn.

Lucio suddenly gasps in horror, “If we get caught, it will be on our school record!”

Mercy’s eyes widens as everyone else (excluding D.Va, she’s not thinking right) swore. This could ruin her chances of staying in med school.

A fierce determination flashes through Mercy, there was no way in hell she was getting caught now. She sits up and rolls up her sleeves.

“Then we don’t get caught.”

Tracer grins and nods in agreement, “I like the sound of that luv!”. Suddenly there is a siren sound in the background, and Lucio looks out through the back windows in the van. There are about 6 cars chasing them. 

One of the officers bring out a megaphone, and says “Please stop the vehicle and exit now.”

D.Va screams, “Like hell we will!” and hits a button in the front. It activated and transformed the area that they were sitting in, into a armory, where there were guns full of water balloons and bombs.

Junkrat squeals, “Oi! I call da bombs mates!”

Mercy looks at a small pistol, abd arms herself, “D.Va...this is awfully advanced and well prepared for a situation for this..”

D.Va winced, “I may or may not have expected this?” Mercy smacked the back of her head, “Ow!”

Tracer arms herself with double pistols, “You arse! This coulda been avoided then” she scoffs.

Jesse shrugs, “It’s better that what I was goin’ do today anyways.”

The rest nodded their agreement, except Genji, who said, “I don’t use guns.”

D.Va sneers, “Then find somethin’ to throw Genji, grab a bomb, I don’t care!”

Genji backs away with his hands up, and ultimately decides to use his sheathed sword as a bat. Mercy peeks out the window and shrieks. The cars have double in size!

Jesse gets up and opens his door, and starts firing. His bullets splashed onto a police car, catching the drivers off guard as they turn violently into a tree. Luckily, they couldn’t be injuries because they were omnics. 

“One down, let’s pick the rest off” Jesse says, as he starts to shoot again. Genji begins swinging the sword, but it was proving to be ineffective, so he resorts to deflecting the enemies’ bullets. Tracer tries to shoot with her double pistols, but they jammed leaving her to throw them out. 

Tracer swores, “Shit! They got jam luv, got anything else for meh?” she shouts at D.Va. D.Va smirks and hits another button, which activated a new floor above the van, and on it was a one-person room equipped with a seat and a machine gun.

Tracer grins evilly, and immediately dashes up the ladder to get in the seat.

“Oh yes luv, I can work with this”, and proceeds to hold down the trigger. The recoil was devastating though, so she lost control and ended up swinging left and right uncontrollably while holding down the trigger. The plants benefited from them, free water and all, but the police? Not so much. 

Although they were taking out alot of them, more replaced as each one fell, and it soon became too much. D.Va swore and hit some switches, trying to increase the speed. Junkrat leaned in and grinned, “I got somethin’ for ya. Want me to use it, mate?”

D.Va nodded her head furiously, “Let loose noob, just don’t hurt civilians and my Mech.”

Junkrat howls and pulled out his latest creation that he was building earlier, he opened the back van doors, but immediately ducked for cover after the incoming fire. Mercy shrieked and hid behind a chair, get grazed. 

“What the hell Jamison?!”

He yells out a sorry, before crawling his way towards the back tires. There he quickly added a device that produces mines, before hastily retreating. He looks around and grins, “Look out mates, here we go!” and hits the detonator. Two mines in either side of the tires blew up and the van goes blasting into the air. Tracer screams and falls out of the seat and down the ladder, while everyone tries to hold onto their seats.

Lucio activates his bass drop to minimize the damage from impact, but that doesn’t help with everyone flying inside the van. Mercy and Tracer found each other landed on one another while D.Va and Jesse’s bodies were hanging outside from the front windows. Genji’s sword flies from his hand, and flips towards Junkrat’s direction, who screeched and ducked his head. 

D.Va quickly gets back inside the van and secures it before zooming off again. 

“Good job metal leg, we lost them!”

Everyone cheered and proceeded to drive towards the bridge, which was the direction home, until they heard a woosh sound. Everyone, minus the driver, went to the nearest window and looked up.

“Oh bloody hell, it’s a ‘copter!” Tracer exclaimed.

Everyone groaned and slumped, but then they heard a sound resembling to a chain being rolled up. Mercy glanced at Lucio questioning, before trying to locate the sound. It was Genji who found the source first, and let out a string of curses.

“It’s the bridge, they are trying to block us off so that we can’t escape.”

Everyone either cursed, wailed, whined or all of the above. Jesse claps his hands together, to gather everyone’s attention.

“Looks like we needs plan, any volunteers?”

No one raised their hand.

“Okay… looks like we’re screwed.”

Junkrat shrugs, “Could always blow stuff up”

Mercy backslaps Junkrat, “Shut the hell up you psychotic bomber. Not everything has to be blown up!”

Junkrat nurtures his bruised cheek, “Okay mum”

Everyone soon started arguing, as they tried to come up with alternative plans to get out of this situation. D.Va though, was lost in thought.

What if blowing up stuff was de way?

D.Va gasps, “Everyone knows how to swim, right?”

Everyone paused and looked at each other before nodding in agreement. It was the standard protocol to know how to swim. D.Va clapped her hands,

“I got a plan, so here’s what we’ll do..”

——-

SKKRRRTTTTTTTTT

The car is zooming again, but towards the bridge. The police hot on their heels as they race to get to the bridge. Mercy bouncing along the ride, screeches 

“Mind telling me the plan again?!”

Jesse rolled his eyes, “We are goin’ blow our asses up, hopefully hit the helicopter, and hurry to get our ass home. Understand, partna’?”

Mercy nods, “I completely understand that THIS IS INSANE. WHY WAS I DRAGGED IN THIS AGAIN?”

“No witnesses” everyone else chorused together. Mercy groaned and bang her head against the van slide door. D.Va picks up speed, they were nearing the bridge. 

 

“Everyone hold ONNNNNNN” She yells as she activates the 2 sec boosters, goes up the bridge. They drive into the air, and everyone tries to move to the van slide door and pull it open. Tracer yells, “Come on luvs!” As they get ready to jump out.

D.Va punches some codes, before pressing a large red button that said Self-Destruct.

Self-Destruct Sequence Activated.

D.Va tilts the van so that it is on line with the helicopter, and screams, 

“NERF THIS!”

Everyone screams as they jump out, the van turning a glistening green, before it explodes and sends everything crashing. They get hit too, as they hit the water and sink. 

Somehow, they are all alive and reach the bottom of the bridge safely. Tracer huffs in huge breaths, before cackling and saying, “Oh buggers, that was intense.”

Slowly everyone started laughing along with her, as they recount what happened the past 2 hours or so. Eventually, they made it back to the Overwatch Campus, although soaked. 

Everyone entered chatting and calmly, until they heard a pissed off voice from above.

“Mind telling me what the fuck happened.” said Jack Morrison, one of the campus leaders asked.

Everyone stuttered and choked, before Jesse screams, “RUN”. Everyone takes off, laughing as Jack chases them, demanding answers. 

And to think that this was all because D.Va wanted some Mountain Dew


End file.
